Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s

by Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
 I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comicstrip   "Dilbert."  Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,  stalkers,  comic-strip fans -- that sort of person.    But a growing number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is  sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier. If  you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most  of his time with his computer.  He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner.   Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated.  And he stays home.  These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex  appeal.  So what's the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing.  We're attracted to the people who have the  best ability to survive and thrive.  In the old days it  was important to be  able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.
 But that skill is becoming less important every year.
Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without  having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose  best career option is to work in tech support.
 It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of  people, each with  its own evolutionary destiny:    Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve  into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who   work in tech support).
Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand  calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets.  This group will  gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet  crematoriums.  Eventually they will become extinct.
Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at  tourists.  Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which  evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to  put them  on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics.  You want a real man.  You want  a knowledgeable computer  user with evolution  potential.
And women prefer men who listen.  Computer users are excellent  listeners  because they can look at you for long periods of time  without saying  anything.  Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks.  But men use up all the stories they'll ever  have after six months.
If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat  stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer  and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with  somebody who has an indoor hobby.  Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion  with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili  peppers in pants.  Compare that with the  healthy glow  of a man who spends 12  hours a day in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better  lovers.  
I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman  who  married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times.  I realize this  isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing  I've written so far.
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.  They  tend to have either:  (1) male pattern baldness -- a  sign of  elevated  testosterone -- or  (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.
If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong  circumstantial evidence alone.
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there.  They'll delight in pointing  out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the  repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem.  That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at  tourists.  Then who'll be laughing?  (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody  but the tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  And  Bill Clinton said  that knowledge is power.  Therefore, logically, according to the U.S.  government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but  it's hard to argue with the government.  Remember, they run the Bureau of  Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers  are sexy.  But look at it from my point of view:  I'm getting paid by the word  for this article.  I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car.   But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they  wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.   Men  know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to  look at them twice.
It's getting worse.  Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify  for a government subsidy for the home-pageless.  And nobody likes a man who  takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the  CIA killed her.  And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting.  Nothing looks sexier than a man  in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that  this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's  best if the guy knows how to use    the computer.  Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC  in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just  that I'm sure they won't read this article.