I'm a Mainframe (Bob Franke) You been runnin' your program on your little PC, Tryin' to fix your business with your 1-2-3; That little Junior jus' can't manage your files, Well, I got some hardware that will make you smile. cho: 'Cause I'm a mainframe, baby I got a hard disk, too. An' I can do twenty times What that mini floppy driver can do. That's pow'ful software that you got to run But you just can't run it on that sonovagun; That little Junior's got no mem-o-ry Come on baby, get on line with me. Little lights of amber, little lights of green You got more data than I've ever seen That little board can't even dump your screen Oh baby, check out the soul of a new machine! Copyright (C) 1986 Robert J. Franke used by permission A la early Elvis Recorded by Bob Franke on In this Night (FF70563, Flying Fish Records) and The Funniest Computer Songs RG ------------------------------- Mr. Compatibility by Tom Payne from the tape Vince Emery Presents The Funniest Computer Songs Would you put this system together for me some I ordered by mail and parts I got free. The pieces all work, except two or three. Please, Mr. Compatibility. Now with my Amiga, all I want to do is running MacDraw underneath OS/2, to write all my data on ROM-type CD, and display EGA on projection TV. I'd like to plug hypercard into my VAX, run my parallel printer on standard coax; Use it all under MS-DOS version 3.2, and a VCR on RS-232. My Cray running friendly interfaces with ease, to movie film shown on a 13-foot screen; My plotter and laser should speak Postscript well, networked on Appletalk under Novell. Autocad my Atari, VGA TTL; tied to my Apple ][ running Excell. Lay optic fiber, shaped in a token ring with a scanner and tablet - I forget anything? Put all this together - take an hour or two; hide those ugly cables, and when you are thru write up a contract saying you'd guarantee it'll all work forever, or you'd fix it for free. Would you put this system together for me some I ordered by mail and parts I got free. The pieces all work, except two or three. Please, Mr. Compatibility. ------------------------------- Title: Threes, Rev. 1.1 Lyric: Duane Elms, © 1988 Tune: Leslie Fish Em D Em B Em D Em Deep in engineering down where mortals seldom go, Em G Em B A manager and customer come looking for a show. Em D Em B Em They pass amused among us, and they sign in on the log. Em B A G Em They've come to see our pony and they've come to see our dog. G D Em Three things you should be wary of, G D B A new kid in his prime, Em G A man with all the answers, Em D Em And a code that runs first time. Summoned from our cubicles to conference room we go. We bring our dog and pony for we know they'll want a show. Watching as we enter with a shifty restless eye, The customer sits waiting in his pinstripe suit and tie. Three things never trust in, That's the vendor's final bill, The promises your boss makes, And the customer's good will. The pony kicks his heels up as the doggie does his trick, And hands are waved with vigor as we lay it on real thick. The customer just watches as we do this song and dance, Then reaches for his briefcase, only giving us a glance. Three things see no end, A loop with exit code done wrong, A semaphore untested, And the change that comes along. From briefcase then there comes a list of things we must revise, And all but four within the room are taken by surprise, And all but four are thinking of their last job with remorse; The customer, the manager, the doggie, and the horse. Three things hold no secret; Files that somehow hit the net, Your boss's secretary, And the third thing I forget. First twenty-one new features that somehow we must add in. Then thirty-seven changes show up, much to our chagrin, And this thing's just inadequate, and that one's just plain wrong, And by the way, your schedule is about three months too long. Three things it is better far that Only you should know, How much you're paid, the schedule pad, And what is just for show. The customer proceeds to go through each change line by line. Excruciating detail which no logic can divine. When it ends there's only four not sitting there agog; The customer, the manager, the pony and the dog. Three things never anger, First the one who runs your deck, The one who does the back-up, And the one who signs the check. Now we are contract software types who spend our days and nights, Embedded in the system down with all the bits and bytes, And none but us can tell full well the damage done today. It's what they do not know for which they're gonna have to pay. Three things are most perilous, Connectors that corrode, Unproven algorithms, And self modifying code. The manager and customer are quick to leave this bunch, They take the dog and pony and they all go out to lunch. Now how will we revenge ourselves on those who raise our ire? Write code that self destructs the day the warranties expire. Three things trust above all else; Your knowledge of your craft, That someone makes a profit, And that you will get the shaft. ------------------------------- I build a better model than the one at Data General Steven Levine I build a better model than the one at Data General, For databases vegetable, animal and mineral. My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality. My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity; You needn't even bother checking out a bit for parity. There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting. My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: There's lots of space in memory for variables floating-point. Which shows for input vegetable, animal and mineral, I build a better model than the one at Data General. The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal. At Prime they still have problems with an interactive terminal. While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean, At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in. Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort, The Timex-Sinclair crashes when you implement a bubble sort. All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well. And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac and Honeywell? By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive, I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive. In short, for input vegetable, animal and mineral, I build a better model than the one at Data General. In fact, when I've a Winchester of minimum diameter, When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter, When I can point to registers and keep their current map around, And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound, When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering, And when I can afford to use 100K for buffering, When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate, You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate. Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively Have only been obtained through expert spying done subversively, Still for input vegetable, animal and mineral, I build a better model than the one at Data General. ------------------------------- Killer-Byte Blues You know, I hated math in high school Thought typing was for the birds But when the Silicon Valley exploded It was the shot heard round the world Of my new disk drive And a whole new attitude Now the only time I'm sad's when I get those Killer-Byte Blues I was cruisin' on the bulletin boards One fine afternoon I met a hot little gal Said "Would you boot up with me soon?" She flashed her cursor I flashed mine And the rest, as they say, is data We had a grand old time. And I put it to her straight, I said: I'll format your disk I'll input your files I'll plug in my modem And autodial you in style 'Cause when I'm online with you baby, There's no way we can lo-ose But the only time I'm sad's when I get them killer-byte blues. Engineer's Rap My name is Steve, and I'm here to say I'm an engineer, that's what I do all day My name's Bill, I like to add a line I'm the worst engineer you'll ever find [chorus:] Not worst -- HUH! BADDEST! I'm the baddest engineer you'll ever find They call me Joe, the Software Man I massage code like no one can And I'm Rick, my friends, I program too At a hundred bucks a line, I'll write one for you [Chorus] We all calculate, And do design, Test that code And deliver it on time.