Aviation Funnies

[These items are selected from AvWeb's weekly newsletter AvFlash, and are reproduced here without permission. If you want to reprint them, how about registering on their site, checking out their advertising sponsors, and buying products from them, eh?]

Fun with AV-8As

[I believe that the RAF pilots here were probably flying Harrier jump-jets, which can of course hover and fly very slowly.]

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and over fly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

--Audubon Society Magazine

From the "squawk sheets"

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem #1: "Propeller 2 seeping prop fluid."

Solution #1: "Propeller 2 seepage normal."

Problem #2: "Propellers 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Problem: Weather radar went ape-%@#&!"

Solution: "Solution: Opened radome, let out ape, cleaned up %@#&!"

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

[and my far-and-away personal favorite...for you nonpilots, many airline autopilots have a hands-off computer-landing mode.]

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

That cool-sounding aviation jargon

At one point, we were all primary students, understanding little, questioning even less, but placing complete faith in our instructor. Many of the little things necessary to get through the first few lessons before solo were done by rote, without a great deal of understanding. Such as ensuring anyone on the ground near the airplane was aware the prop was about to spin.

One instructor was working with a pre-solo student. Instead of using the phrase, "Clear prop!" before turning the key, the instructor had simply taught his pupil to use the word "Clear!," presumably shouted loudly enough that those inside the FBO could hear. Of course, primary students rarely fly in poor weather.

One day, preflight complete, the student reached for the key, looked outside the airplane, and shouted, "Cloudy!"

Actual Transmissions Heard in the O'Hare TRACON

Approach: The traffic at 9 o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you.

Airliner: Linda Ronstadt? What's that?

Approach: Well, sir, they're gonna "Blue Bayou".

Airliner: Approach, what's our sequence?

Approach: Calling for the sequence, I missed your callsign...but if I find out what it is, you're last.

Airliner: Approach, what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?

Approach: What makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?

[for those not in the know, "7600" is the transponder code you dial in if you lose radio communications]

Interphone: Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?

O'Hare: Yeah, I do, you guys talkin' to him?

[my personal favorite of the bunch!]

Approach: Air Force 45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard, I see you've already ejected.

-- (Courtesy of O'Hare's NATCA newsletter "Intentionally Left Blank".)